I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My vagina just clenched in fear
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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