On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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