so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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