I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
