just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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