I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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