Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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