I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
