i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
