Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
