i was born a porn star she said
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
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