Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
