I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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