if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
