We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
