Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
