It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
