Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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