brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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