my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
