we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
