Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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