im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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