ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
