that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
