I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
