i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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