Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
