even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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