I cut my penus on the lid.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There's always time for handjobs
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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