Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
