Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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