watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
