New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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