Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
this hospital has no fireball
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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