does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
