im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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