Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize