There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
