can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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