Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
