the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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