those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
