got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
