I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
