I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
