then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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