She just used a chaser for red wine.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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