Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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