when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just gargled with NyQuil
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
