My liver just broke up with me...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
