I love black thongs
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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