god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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