I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
