Umm I'm too high to move.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
