I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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