I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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