I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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