my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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